One thing I’ve often said about why I like sports is that it gives you something to talk about with the guy at the deli, the woman at the bakery, something to bond over with your dentist, or gives you a reason to invite neighbors over to spend time together. It’s a bridge from being a stranger to being bound to something together. The local sports team is a topic for discussion in public, a topic that you can bring up in polite conversation.
The flowers in this post go to someone who’s spoken about an important topic that hasn’t always been accepted in “polite” conversation. In October of 2021, Lane Johnson stepped away from the sport of football and away from his role with the Philadelphia Eagles with little information provided as to why. You bet that was something discussed at delis, bakeries, dentist offices, and around every neighborhood. When he returned, this behemoth of a man, a man that was at the top of the game in his position and working on a hall-of-fame resume, explained why: he was struggling with his mental health.
As an Eagles fan, I was concerned with his absence and wondered aloud with neighbors about the possible reasons. I don’t think anxiety or mental health was ever mentioned in those discussions. Not only did I think a guy who plays one of the most under-recognized roles in the most macho of sports would be considering it himself, either. Metaphors comparing athletes to warriors and other war-type phrases have become a cliche, especially in football. And while these idioms are used excessively, the truth is that they’ve also codified some expectations placed on the players. Phrases like “Be a man!”, “Walk it off”, “suck it up, and “toughen up!” have become ubiquitous in sports and echo the screams from armchair quarterbacks tuning into the games.
I played some youth sports, where it was quite evident early on that I would only play sports as a youth. One of the reasons why I knew early, along with lacking the physical skills in many ways, I knew I wasn’t like some of the better players on the field or court. Back then we’d call it something like they had “something special”, though in hindsight it was a mental aspect of being in the game that I didn’t have. Maybe it was undiagnosed ADHD, maybe it was something else, but I knew my emotions affected the way I played.
The easiest example of this was how I cried after every match when I wrestled in 7th grade. And when I say I cried, I’m talking about an uncontrollable sob, tears just streaming out. I was 1-10-1, or something like that - I lost track of the losses. I know I won one match, which was by forfeit. The tie came on the last match of the season and thinking about it now while typing, I’m getting emotional thinking about my teammates pounding the mat, cheering me on for the tie. Looking back, maybe I could have continued with the sport, though I didn’t like the couch taking over the next year. I was usually up in points but would lose by a pin in nearly every loss.
I don’t tell people about that experience when I wrestled often - this may be the first time people close to me have heard that story. I was 12 years old then, 40 now, and it’s still a touchy subject for me. So yeah, to say I wasn’t mentally strong enough as a kid to continue with sports beyond 7th-grade wrestling is kind of obvious.
Something I should have done years ago, though I’m so thankful to have it in my life now, is regular counseling from a therapist and medication for anxiety and ADHD. I wasn’t diagnosed until 2019 when I was 36. Thanks to the prodding of my wife, I sought out testing for ADHD and was surprised to not only be diagnosed with it but with General Anxiety Disorder as well. Turns out, my worrying wasn’t something unique, not something normal. I lived so many years without that knowledge and it would take a couple more years to be accepting of that diagnosis and accepting of the flaws it could be attributed to. Through reading about ADHD, anxiety, and methods to work on mental health, and then with counseling and medication, I’m at a point where I understand my triggers and what strategies work best for me in my ongoing battle with both of these diagnoses.
The biggest reason for me to begin the journey to learn about myself and seek help in identifying these parts of myself was my daughter. Ultimately, I wanted to be as good of a dad as I could be for her, and knowing reasons for behaviors that I couldn’t pinpoint why I would do certain things, or why I oddly could do things other people couldn’t, I felt would be beneficial in both my relationship with her and my wife, but also to be in a better position to understand some of the qualities she likely inherited from me.
Am I there yet? Hell no, I’m a parent, and the relationship parents have with their kids is always evolving. Also, I’ve continued to mess up, often. I’m not perfect, and will never be, and do not want anyone to think that just because this is how I’m approaching being a better parent means I’m a good parent. A lyric by Elvis Costello that I love, from his song “Starting to Come to Me” is:
> You`d probably play the pirate if you weren't so busy digging up the gold
I’ve always interpreted that as a title doesn’t mean anything unless you’re doing the thing that the title describes. I went to school for art, though I do not make art often anymore, so I don’t consider myself an artist. Labels, titles, monikers, all of them mean nothing unless your actions back it up.
So on October 3rd, 2021, as I was visiting my father in the hospital as his last days were upon us, Lane Johnson missed his first of 3 games with the Eagles. It was against the Chiefs, the last game I would watch with Dad. The details of my day with Dad and family are too much to share in this post, though it’s a day I’ll never forget and will forever be thankful for having. Suffice it to say, the Eagles, and especially sports, is the connection with Dad that continues after he passed away. But on that day, I don’t know if I remember or knew about Lane Johnson not playing.
When it became weeks later, as memories of Dad and my thoughts constantly being on the relationship we had and the relationship I have with my daughter, it was a reminder of the work I’ve done to be a better father myself. Tears weren’t hard to come by back then, though they come up again when I rewatch the video of the interview of Lane Johnson with Jay Glazer from Fox Sports. On my screen was a conversation between two men from the world of football discussing anxiety and what effect it had on them personally. Lane continues to talk about his struggle with mental health, taking the message directly to kids in treatment clinics. And now, as he’s preparing for the Super Bowl, Lane Johnson continues to open up and talk about his story.
As I mentioned in my first post to this blog, my purpose here is my mental health. Following this Eagles team, Dad’s team, a year after my father’s passing, has been filled with so many moments of grief, appreciation, love, and joy, among other primary and secondary emotions. And along the way, Lane Johnson is playing better than ever. I can’t help but think that his opening up, with him acknowledging and communicating about his mental health struggles, has made him a better player, mostly because I think it’s made him a better man, and I’m sure a better father to his kids. I know I’ve continued to put in my work and be open about it. I’ve discussed it with strangers online and colleagues at work. Though the times that are most important to me are the moments when I discuss it with my daughter. She’s 4, and likely doesn’t get it, though I feel like it’s allowed us to have a relationship on a more personal level than most parents have. Why do I think that? After the season opener, having spent the day watching the Eagles and singing the fight song with me, she told me she did it for Pop-pop.
And all these weeks later, having talked about mental health and the Birds, I’m sitting here feeling anxious still. It won’t go away, and thankfully this week it’s about the big game. For some, it may be the distraction they need, but for me, it’s been a chance to think about Dad, work through more grief, and allow myself to feel feelings. I wouldn’t change it for a thing.
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